


seasons

by zzleepy



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Comfort, Hurt, M/M, Metaphors, Overthinking, first fic uwu, im bad w tags sorry, lapslock, word vomit lets die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 06:34:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21157193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zzleepy/pseuds/zzleepy
Summary: san finds wooyoung in everything. he finds him in the seasons that pass, in cold coffee and warm autumn sunsets. he wants to say it all, everything to him, yet all he often gives is silence, which seems to say too much.





	seasons

**Author's Note:**

> my first ao3 work!! this is word vomit and i wrote this at 3am so forgive me if there are mistakes lmao pls be kind to me ao3 im still babie here uwu

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


on some days, wooyoung is like rain. he feels like the tiny droplets of water slowly lurching down a glass window, like the numerous sounds of liquid poking on rooftops. to san, he was like a shower of rain he never wanted to protect himself from, he was a surge of all kinds of emotions, of unexplainable thoughts and feelings. san could never put wooyoung into words, not the way he gladly clings onto him, the way he smiles ever so fondly at him, and not the way he stays with him no matter what. san never knew, and he never wanted to know.

“it’s raining too hard.” 

there wooyoung was, standing at san’s door, blocking the way out, head dropped. he was always like this— leaving san no option but to stay. he was an unescapable rain, a rain no umbrella can withstand.

“can you not go?” 

san never told wooyoung why he needs to go, but he assured him that he’ll come back. although wooyoung didn’t buy it, he knew deep within himself that he surely would. no matter what, san would always find himself coming back. no matter how painful it is to be stuck in this endless cycle of uncertainty, he doesn’t mind. if it means being with wooyoung, he’ll never mind. not with the way he looks at san, making it always impossible to even refuse. san has never refused him before, and he won’t this time either.

“okay.” 

just like that, all the time san spent thinking about the two of them and wanting to escape the pain went to the drain. he was baffled at how two sentences from wooyoung was able to completely destroy a decision he spent two weeks thinking of, but who can he blame? in the end, he always knew that he could never escape, and maybe he was never meant to escape at all. maybe, maybe somewhere deep within wooyoung lie feelings too. maybe he always stands in san’s way for reasons san wanted to be, but they will never know. words were never their thing, but that is a double-edged sword. what san feels will forever remain within him, like an ocean collected from endless rain, from the way wooyoung brushes his hair, the little flickers in his eyes, his soft plump lips and warm embrace— from the rain that is _wooyoung._

“why are you even leaving at this late hour?” 

san doesn’t answer, because there never was one. he convinced himself that he simply found himself fed up, wearing his shoes to take him anywhere but here. he just wants to escape the rain, even if it means more rain. the downpour within the room was way heavier than the one outside, it was a downpour of unspeakable feelings, of unexplainable reasons and unrequited love. it was everything too painful for san, but he has now chosen to bask in it, like he always does. he basks in the possibly empty warmth and coldness wooyoung gives him, and he’ll bask in anything as long as it’s from wooyoung.

there were no words to say, so instead he just draws closer to wooyoung and pulls him into an embrace, closing the door. with the click of the knob, he mentally beat himself for being so foolish, blindly succumbing into the crumbs of affection wooyoung gives him as he is embraces back like he always does. this one is no less painful than all the other warmth they have shared; it’s cold, like a brewed coffee left on a kitchen table. it was a silent embrace, shouting all the words san wants to say.

“don’t leave hyung, it’s raining so hard.”

_it still is._

“if you have a problem, i’m always here. you can talk to me.”

_it’s you, wooyoung-ah._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


whenever wooyoung draws closer, san could swear he can hear the loud thumping of thunder. he can hear his heartbeat resonating loudly in his ear, and he has sworn to bury himself underground once wooyoung finally hears it too. the last thing san wants him to hear is the frantic pace wooyoung makes his heart reach, the deafening beat threatening to leap off his chest.

“hyung! wait for me!”

san woke up early to wander outside by himself, but wooyoung would always find his way to him. it didn’t help that he was his hotel roommate for this tour, and he is, if not always, often aware where san is and would be. san has convinced himself that wooyoung simply followed him because he has felt the emptiness on the space beside him, and san is simply someone to fill that void. he believes that even if it wasn’t him, wooyoung would be fine with it as long as it would fill the emptiness.

“going for a walk, hyung?”

wooyoung looked at him with glittering eyes, still swollen from being harshly rubbed. he was struggling to keep up with san’s pace, so san found himself adjusting. he’s mad that he always finds himself doing everything opposite of what he intended to do, especially when it comes to wooyoung. he’s sure he just hates wooyoung at the moment, but the loud thunders in his chest say otherwise.

“yeah. why did you get up? it’s still too early. get more sleep.”

“ah, but i don’t want to sleep alone. and i figured you’d like some company.”

san could hear it, even louder. they beat wildly at his ears like warning sounds, like sirens telling him how dangerous the situation is. 

“i do, thanks.”

san didn’t mean a single word of what he said, but the way wooyoung smiled at his response made his heart ache. he wished he never saw it through the darkness, but the colorful lights of the passing cars made wooyoung’s smile even more beautiful. the thunder in his chest was reaching decibels he has never heard before, but it just drowns in the silence between the two of them. a silence even louder than thunder, filled with words they chose to never say.

“the clouds look heavy. there must be a storm coming.”

_there already is, wooyoung-ah._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


after many seasons passed, winter came upon their doorsteps. snowflakes started lightly knocking on the windows, creeping into the chambers of their dorms. time dragged ever so slowly as san and wooyoung were covered in thick blankets, struggling to keep themselves warm in the freezing cold. san could swear he could feel himself melting, even as wooyoung felt so much like winter.

he was like snowflakes, beautiful and pure. to san, he moves as if he trances gracefully like violets blooming in winter, and even like winter itself. his eyes glisten brightly as he looks intently at san, who had no courage at all to even peek at his closed eyes. he held his eyelids tightly shut in fear that if he opens them to see wooyoung too close, looking right at him, it might be too hard to resist the urge to kiss him.

they have been left all alone in the dorm because all the other members very coincidently had an agenda today, but that thought created a line between them that no one dared to cross. despite their proximity which was only produced by the intensely freezing weather, there was a very small, yet extremely wide distance between them that was packed with too many things— too many feelings.

“come closer, hyung. it’s very cold.”

san hesitantly scooted closer to wooyoung as both of them shifted comfortably on the bed to lean on each other. they are usually very clingy and physically close with each other, but for some reason san doesn’t feel that way today. there is a downpour of feelings threatening to spill from him, but although he’s having an awful time holding them back, he has sworn to never spill it. not when they already have what they have now.

“see, it’s warmer isn’t it?”

wooyoung is still himself, the same as ever. he smiles brightly at san, and he could feel himself melting into a puddle of goo. wooyoung hummed a familiar tune softly, and he doesn’t seem to notice the discomfort in san and proceeded to pull him into his arms, latching on to his skin desperate for heat. that’s actually nothing to question because why wouldn’t he be his usual self? it was only san who found this situation rather unusual and dangerous, because it was only him who has these feelings. 

and san was never prepared for how much that would hurt.

“hyung, what are you thinking about?”

wooyoung rested his head on san, pulling the blanket closer and tighter to them. san turned his head to look at wooyoung, and he saw how beautiful he truly was. more than anything, he was taintless, impeccable, and truly fine. when wooyoung turned his head as well to face san, all coherent thoughts had disappeared from san’s head. he could feel everything from himself slowly spilling out, dripping all over the painful space between them.

“you.”

san wasn’t sure if he really said what he said, and wooyoung just stared at him in disbelief. he attempted to laugh off the seriousness in san’s voice, but he couldn’t bring himself to, not with the way san looked at him so intensely, as if strongly resisting the urge to give up everything and kiss him.

and he did.

it was short, and wooyoung didn’t kiss him back. san, realizing this, pulled away to see a stunned wooyoung, eyes wide open in shock. all san could manage to give was a pained smile, droplets of tears threatening to spill from his eyes. there was a loud, deafening silence between them, and none of them had the heart to break it. they spent almost an eternity staring at each other, wrapped in the coldness of winter. there were too many words san wanted to say that he didn’t bother to say any of them anymore. he already knows all the answers still left unsaid.

“why?”

san wanted to respond, there was an ocean of words he could say right there, but he didn’t. although he had already done it, he had broken everything that took him years to build, he’d rather die than let wooyoung know. san doesn’t want him to know how much he thinks of him, how much he wants him, and what he really feels. he has decided that he’d rather break his own heart than have it broken by wooyoung. he never really knew how to stop being a coward, and he still doesn’t know.

“sorry.”

it was then when san really thought that wooyoung, is too much like winter. he is a snowflake, beautiful, and delicate, but very fragile. once touched, wooyoung will disappear from his hands. it was as if the gods had cursed him to be something san would never take ahold of, something san was never meant to have.

“i’m sorry.”

san removed the blanket and got up, taking the dorm keys and putting on his shoes. he grabbed an umbrella and reached out to the door, ready to step outside.

wooyoung didn’t stop him, and _god_ how mad san was at himself for wishing he did. because he knows that if wooyoung were to stop him like he always does, he would stop. he’d turn around and kiss wooyoung again, pin him down as he returns the kiss, but that would be too good to be true. san knows that would be possible in another universe, but in the universe he lives in, it’s not.

he stepped out of the door, hoping that in the next universe he’d live in, wooyoung would finally love him back.

“stay safe, hyung.”

_don’t hurt me anymore, wooyoung-ah._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


autumn felt like it will continue dragging on for eternity. san spent his days dismissing all of wooyoung’s attempts to talk to him, and he has spent afternoons in solitude, sitting on a park bench, bathing in the warmth of autumn. he watched autumn leaves fall and crumble into the ground, and it reminded him of wooyoung.

wooyoung was, more than anyone, warm and comforting. he found serenity in wooyoung that he couldn’t find in anything else, he was just like autumn leaves, like warm milk on a sunset, like the beautiful red skies san never got tired of watching. he was a view to behold, a view san missed watching.

he doesn’t deny it, that he misses wooyoung so much that it hurts. he had gotten used to always being with him, and so he was not prepared for how painful it is to no longer be with him, to prohibit himself from touching and embracing him like he used to. he was always on the verge of dropping his act and swallowing up all the affection wooyoung gives him, but he was too cowardly to do so. he was so scared that once he feels wooyoung again, he’d start loving him, probably even more than he already does, and he was scared that it’d hurt so much again— the pain he always feels but never got used to. he had already accepted it, but actually experiencing it throws all his preparations into disarray. every little thing wooyoung does is enough to either fix him or destroy him.

“hyung.”

he could feel a weight sink down into the space beside him on the park bench. he doesn’t bother too look, because he doesn’t want to see. he doesn’t want to see wooyoung, nor does he want wooyoung to see him. he doesn’t want him to see how broken he is, how the heavy tears in his eyes are begging to fall, and he doesn’t want to see wooyoung, in fear that he’d love again, and get hurt again.

“what happened?”

wooyoung’s voice sounds so broken, severely strained from performing and practicing too much. it was the only volume he could manage to reach, and san could feel his heart breaking. he managed to form a smile, dropping his head and avoiding wooyoung’s gaze. 

“to us?”

san, like always, never knew the answer. he always knew everything wooyoung would say, all his answers once he tells him everything, but he never had an answer himself. he leaves all wooyoung’s questions unanswered, in a desperate attempt to prevent them from falling apart more than they already did. 

and san knows he can never escape. he can’t forever remain silent; more than anything, they are bandmates and are idols who are a family that leans on each other. they need each other, and what happens between them won’t stay within them for long. the others would inevitably notice and it would affect their team, no matter what. san dislikes that with all his heart, because he really can’t escape the rain, the thunder, the winter and the autumn that is wooyoung. he doesn’t want to hurt anybody, not even himself, but his heart loves like it’s the most selfish thing in the world. it has chosen to love, instead of anybody else, _wooyoung._

“i honestly don’t know anymore. wooyoung-ah.”

he had always dreamed of watching a beautiful sunset like this with wooyoung, but definitely not with this distance between them, not in this _pain._

“i miss you a lot, hyung.”

_i miss you too._

“can we go back?”

“can we not?”

san could feel himself breaking into tears. he could feel his heart getting heavier and heavier, dragging him down. it was breaking, and he could hear it loudly in his head like shattering glass.

“it hurts, wooyoung-ah.”

san’s heart, more than anything, is tired. it’s tired from loving, and being in so much pain. it’s tired of sucking up empty affection, just to fill in the void of desire and loneliness. he feels incredibly stupid to break everything he has built with just a single slip, a single word, and a single kiss. he was sure that he was fine with what they are back then, but his desire was eating him up and clouding his thoughts. he had accepted everything from the start, from the moment he chose to become an idol and the moment he met wooyoung, he had sworn to himself to never fall inlove.

but he did.

“i don’t understand hyung, tell me.”

_i love you._

“i’ll never say it.”

san could feel cold tears rolling down his face. he quickly wiped it off and stood up, not sparing wooyoung a look. he didn’t look at him even once, but he eventually found the courage to do so. wooyoung’s face had a mix of a hundred indescribable emotions, but all san had the strength to give was a smile. it took all the energy he had left, and he soon headed back to return to the dorm, leaving wooyoung behind.

“i already know your answer.”

_i’m sorry, wooyoung-ah._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


their comeback was only a day away now, and practices has become more intense and exhausting. it did not help that the heat of spring often spreads across their practice room that even their air conditioner wasn’t quite adequate. it was finally finished— and today is their last practice before they actually go onstage to perform. they were given a free day to enjoy before hectic schedules and promotions start, and san didn’t have any energy to even leave the practice room, so he watched as the members leave the premises one by one, sitting on the floor and breathlessly leaning against the mirror.

he felt something in him rile up as he saw wooyoung in the corner, unmoving. he sat there holding his water bottle, and san was ready to bolt outside when he noticed wooyoung quietly approaching him.

he slid his back on the mirror and dropped himself beside san, exhausted and breathless. there was a heavy and unbearable silence between them, as if already saying everything they want to say.

“i’m sorry, hyung.”

if there was anyone to apologize, it would be san, so he was mad at himself for letting wooyoung feel apologetic, he couldn’t forgive himself for being apologized to when he believes it was all his fault.

“don’t be.”

“it’s just, i don’t really know what to say.”

_because there’s nothing left to._

“if i had hurt you in any way, i want to apologize.”

_don’t._

“there is nothing for you to apologize about.”

“i hurt you, and—“

“why are you apologizing for something you didn’t do?”

at this point, san didn’t care anymore.

“it’s not your fault that i like you a damn lot even though i’m not supposed to, and it’s not your fault that i can’t get rid of how i fee—“

san was cut off by wooyoung’s lips pressed against his. wooyoung wiped off the endless tears on san’s face and he gently held on to him as if to keep him from falling apart, to pick up his broken pieces and keep him together. 

san remembers this taste that was stuck on his mouth for seasons, and he still tastes the same. wooyoung, without a doubt, still tastes sweet, like the strawberry chapstick he likes to use. wooyoung still tastes like coffee, like milk, sunsets and autumn leaves. but above everything, wooyoung was finally warm. his kiss told san everything he never expected and had the courage to hear. 

san was left in utter shock, frozen in disbelief as wooyoung pulled away.

“i’m sorry it took so long, hyung.”

_it was never meant to be like this, you were never supposed to be tainted. you are pure and beautiful and i don’t deserve someone like you._

“i’ve thought about it, and for many years i was unsure, but now i found the answer.”

“this will destroy you, wooyoung-ah. i don’t want that.”

san was a crying mess, but wooyoung continued to kiss his tears away and press his lips against san’s forehead. san sworn to never forgive himself for tainting wooyoung like this, he’ll never forgive himself for destroying his future.

“it won’t, hyung. don’t be afraid. we can make it through.”

“what if we can’t?”

san’s head was clouded with endless doubt, fear and worry. they were not allowed to fall inlove, and he doesn’t want wooyoung to experience having to go against the world, especially not for him. he doesn’t deserve that.

“atleast i’ll have you.”

“but you have a dream, wooyoung-ah. i can’t bear to see you let that go.”

“but i’m not going to let it go.”

wooyoung continued to press soft kisses along san’s forehead, easing all his worries away.

“i’m not letting you go either.”

_tell me this is a dream._

“this is not a dream, hyung.”

the practice room was empty, and dawn was about to break. the warmth of spring was peeking through the windows and reflecting on the mirrors, brightly shining upon the two like flowers blooming under the sun.

“this is not as easy as it sounds, wooyoung-ah.”

“it’s okay, as long as i’m with you.”

san found the courage to finally wrap wooyoung around his arms like he always did. they sat side by side against the giant mirror, with the sunlight of the dawn illuminating their smiles. to san, wooyoung, above everything else, is spring. he is the beautiful flowers that bloom endlessly across empty fields, wooyoung is the flower petals that fall across the sky like angel feathers, he is the sun, shining ever so brightly in san’s life. he is, above everything else— _his._

wooyoung’s eyes sparkled as he looked up to san, filled with feelings finally spoken out loud. they basked in the silence of spring, which was finally more than enough to say everything they feel.

“i’ll love you for as long as i can, hyung.”

_i love you too._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hello dont hate me and my grammar uwu
> 
> hmu [@svnnysvnwoo_](https://mobile.twitter.com/svnnysvnwoo_)


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